We Lost Her......

On February 6, 2012 we went to the doctor for the big ultrasound. Knowing there was a problem before going, I was admitted into the hospital where we spent the next 10 days trying to keep her in. On February 16, 2012 I gave birth to a baby girl, Hannah Elizabeth Rich. She weighed 7.8oz and was 8 inches long. Because I was only 22 weeks along she didn't make it. Hannah lived for an hour and thirty five minutes and passed away..

....and just like that she was ripped from our arms.....

This by far was the worst day of my life.

God has been faithful though. He has walked alongside us even carrying us at times. I am so grateful that one of the doctors accidentally told us what we were having and that we were able to talk to Hannah and call her by name. I'm grateful that we were able to pray over her. I'm grateful that she never once experienced pain in her life here on the earth from a scraped knee to being discouraged or having her feelings hurt. I'm grateful for my husband who I have grown closer with and who has walked through this with me.....I have never felt alone during this whole time. I am extremely grateful for my family and friends who quickly rearranged their lives to help us get through the last month. I am grateful that we have a great big God and that He has showed me and told me that this was not His plan nor His will and that he Loves me so much.

I have tried to stay away from the "why's" and the "what if''s" as I know I will never receive any answers. Everyday has gotten a little bit better as I have stayed close to the Lord. I spend at least an hour a day just praying and soaking in the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it's all at one time and sometimes it's through out the whole day. This is the only way that I have found peace, joy, and HEALING. I cannot tell you how much healing I have received during these moments.

We are not quitters! As soon as we can, we will start trying to get pregnant again. We know that Hannah would want siblings and we planned on having more than one child. The next pregnancy will be completely different as I was diagnosed with having an incompetent cervix and I will have to be on bed rest through most of the pregnancy. During the second trimester I will have a procedure done called a cerclage to make sure that my cervix stays closed for 40 weeks and that we have a healthy baby that comes home with us when we leave the hospital. The doctor as well as everyone else believes we will get pregnant again soon. We are praying that we get pregnant soon, but God's timing is perfect.

I da pappy......

"Whoa, I am going to be a father."

That was my first thought the morning that Ana told me she was pregnant. In 9 months I would be responsible for another human being.

"Does God really know what he is doing?" This was my next thought.

It is pretty crazy how you can want something so bad and when it finally happens fear and anxiety can sweep over you. For eight years Ana and I have prayed that this day would come, but the reality of what being a parent means really hit me and I was not sure if I had what it takes.

I mean could I raise a child that would love God? Could I raise a child that would show love and respect towards others?

I honestly did not know the answers to these questions. I remember sharing this struggle with a friend, telling him how because I grew up most of my life without a father around, that I really don't know what being a good father looks like.

This friend told me, "Sure you do. God has surrounded you with men who are fathers and God himself has shown you what the love of a father looks like."

Umm......Oh Yeah!

So, to my little bun I make this promise:

I may not be perfect or have it all figured out, but I promise to try to be the best father a child could ask for. I promise to allow God to guide me with wisdom every day of your life and to love you more and more everyday. And, my prayer is that along the way you would know how special you are to your daddy and grow up to love God and love others.

Let the fun begin!!!

Halfway there Already!

Today marks the halfway point! 20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go. When I think about how fast the first half has gone by I can't help but think how much we still have to do to get ready. I know it will all get done, I just think that I have this nesting thing going on and I'm ready to see my baby's room complete.


I've been thinking about all the stages that we have gone through. First we could not wait to hear Bun's heartbeat, then we could not wait to see our little Bun, then we could not wait to feel Bun move!  We've hit all these stages ALREADY! The next thing we can't wait for that is only days away is the BIG ultrasound where they measure everything from bones to organs making sure everything is growing properly. At this ultrasound we could find out what we are having, but we are going to wait on that one. We both are super excited about the big surprise at the end. After this ultrasound I think we will be looking forward to actually seeing Bun move across my belly. There is always something to look forward to!  So here are a couple of pictures we have taken this week

19 weeks 4 days. The bump is getting bigger!

20 weeks or 5 months.

Shawn finally felt "Bun" move

Thursday evening, January 26th,the next night after my last post,  Shawn finally felt the little kicks I have been feeling for a few weeks now. He had been trying to feel them for a couple weeks now, but they just were not strong enough. With each day though, our little Bun is getting bigger and stronger the kicks are definitely stronger and I love it! With every kick I am reminded that I am really pregnant and this is really happening to me, to us.

So as we lay on the couch I asked Shawn if he wanted to feel Bun move and of course he said yes. So I put his hand on my belly where I was feeling the kicks and sure enough our little Bun gave us a kick. I loved the look on Shawn's face feeling his baby's movements for the first time and then he asked was that it? Was that a kick? I assured him that that was indeed a kick. Bun was quite active and we felt him/her move for quite a while. We were both so excited to be able to feel him/her move because up until then all we could do is listen to the sweet little heartbeat. Which we do love to hear and still do listen to it about once a week, but movements seem so much more real for some reason.

Feeling "Bun" Move

Since we are not finding out the sex of the baby, I decided to start calling him/her “Bun.” I really do not like saying “it” and since there is a saying ‘you have a bun in the oven’ I decided that bun is the name until birth. I’m sure Bun will probably be a nickname for life though! 

It’s so exciting to feel Bun move! I began to feel Bum move for a little over a month now. I am 19 weeks today (Jan 26^th) and today marks 5 months till we are due. Exciting day! So anyway, when I first felt Bun move I was not sure that that is what I was feeling. I didn’t know if it was growing pains or gas, but I knew that I had never felt this feeling before. Now that it has been a month and Bun has grown and gotten stronger I know for a fact that that is what I am feeling. It’s so cool and amazing at the same time. One night Shawn had his hand on my belly for like 15 minutes trying to feel Bun move and he couldn’t. I can sometimes feel Bun move on the outside but I have to really be paying attention to when I feel kicking going on, on the inside and then I try to feel on the outside.

I can’t wait till Shawn can feel our little one move. I have honestly enjoyed every moment of pregnancy so far, but I always find myself saying Oh I can’t wait for this or that. So I started to really think about it and I can wait because in the end I want a very healthy baby and really time is flying by. I remember saying that I cannot wait till I can feel the baby move and now it’s here. So really, things are happening fast and before we know it our Bun will be in our arms! I am almost in tears thinking about that Joyous day! 

I thank God daily for our gift. I realize that our baby is truly a gift from God and that He did not have to give us this gift. I think about all the women that are still waiting and sometimes they never get to experience this. I am so grateful for our gift and for our story. I am so thankful that I was able to hold on to a promise that God gave us 8 years ago when He said, “ do not worry you will have your 
children.” I love that He said children because that is reassurance that we will have more than one and I truly believe that our waiting period is over. I believe that when we are ready to have our second one it will happen when it’s time, but I do not think it will be another 8 years, I think it will be a year or so later or at least that is what I am hoping for.

The Fifth Appointment

I decided not to write about our fourth appointment because there was nothing special that happened. It was just a normal appointment they did the usual and sent me home.

The fifth appointment was my favorite, so far. I ended up meeting Shawn there for this one. Once we were placed in a room I noticed that they had an old ultrasound machine and it was on. I told Shawn, “I wish she would use this machine so we could see our baby, but I’m sure she won’t. Then a resident in training came in and wanted to ask a few questions. She was so cute! She told us this was her first day and that Dr. Baur wanted her to ask us a few questions and then she could try to find the heartbeat. I wish I could remember her name, but since I can’t I’ll just name her Kara. So Kara goes and grabs my chart and asks a few questions and then checks to see if she can find the heartbeat. She was so nervous that she could not find it and I was okay with that.

Then Dr. Baur came in with the best greeting ever! She said, “Hi, my favorite patient” and gave me the biggest warmest hug ever.  She took the Doppler and found the heartbeat which was in the 150’s and then she said,” I put you in this room and left this machine on so that we could take a peek at the baby.” I looked at Shawn and as you can imagine my heart leaped I was so excited. All I could say was, “REALLY?!”  

So, She panned across my belly and we saw our little bun…looking like a baby this time.Of sourse I shed a tear as it is still so surreal. At 17 weeks along our bun was right on track! Dr. Baur showed us the heart, head, arms and hands and legs. We could not find the feet this time because Bun was hiding them, but I know they are there! We saw Bun opening and closing his or her mouth. It was so incredible to see! 

Dr. Baur said she wanted to see us in 3 weeks and at that point they would do an anatomy ultrasound to check EVERYTHING out. She told us that at that point we could find out what we are having, but we both said we want that to be a surprise. Dr. Baur is so excited about that because she too is pregnant and due in April and she said that she did not find out with her first baby and was not finding out with this one. She said, “I’m so glad I can talk to y’all about not finding out. It’s so much fun in the end to see what you have been carrying!” 

At this point I had been feeling Bun move for about 3 weeks. I can’t wait till Shawn can feel Bun move.

This was by far my favorite appointment.

12 weeks

16 weeks or 4 months

Third Appointment

This appointment Shawn did not go with me on because we figured they would not do anything special and I had just gone 10 days before. So I went into the office not expecting much. They took me back and did the usual: Urine sample, blood pressure, & weight. At this point I had not gained any weight at all, WOO HOO!

When Dr. Baur came into the room she said they would check for the heartbeat by Doppler but if they could not get it that way they would do an ultrasound. She said that at this point the uterus is still deep in the hips so sometimes it is really hard to get a heartbeat via Doppler. 

So, as Dr. Baur tried to get the heartbeat and was unsuccessful she led me into the ultrasound room where I was able to see the baby again. This time our little bun (bun in the oven) was moving all over the place.  She had a hard time getting the heartbeat because our little bun was so active. I was so wishing Shawn was there because it was so much fun seeing our little bun moving around. At a whopping 162 beats per minute our little bun was right on schedule. Dr Baur was so sweet, she printed off 2 pictures for me to take home so that Shawn could see. She said, “We don’t want dad to feel left out.”  

9 weeks

When I got in the car to leave I immediately called Shawn to tell him all about it. I wished to badly that he would have been there. After this appointment we decided that he needed to go with me to all the appointments because we just do not know what will happen at each one of them and I do not want him to miss out on anything.