We Lost Her......

On February 6, 2012 we went to the doctor for the big ultrasound. Knowing there was a problem before going, I was admitted into the hospital where we spent the next 10 days trying to keep her in. On February 16, 2012 I gave birth to a baby girl, Hannah Elizabeth Rich. She weighed 7.8oz and was 8 inches long. Because I was only 22 weeks along she didn't make it. Hannah lived for an hour and thirty five minutes and passed away..

....and just like that she was ripped from our arms.....

This by far was the worst day of my life.

God has been faithful though. He has walked alongside us even carrying us at times. I am so grateful that one of the doctors accidentally told us what we were having and that we were able to talk to Hannah and call her by name. I'm grateful that we were able to pray over her. I'm grateful that she never once experienced pain in her life here on the earth from a scraped knee to being discouraged or having her feelings hurt. I'm grateful for my husband who I have grown closer with and who has walked through this with me.....I have never felt alone during this whole time. I am extremely grateful for my family and friends who quickly rearranged their lives to help us get through the last month. I am grateful that we have a great big God and that He has showed me and told me that this was not His plan nor His will and that he Loves me so much.

I have tried to stay away from the "why's" and the "what if''s" as I know I will never receive any answers. Everyday has gotten a little bit better as I have stayed close to the Lord. I spend at least an hour a day just praying and soaking in the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it's all at one time and sometimes it's through out the whole day. This is the only way that I have found peace, joy, and HEALING. I cannot tell you how much healing I have received during these moments.

We are not quitters! As soon as we can, we will start trying to get pregnant again. We know that Hannah would want siblings and we planned on having more than one child. The next pregnancy will be completely different as I was diagnosed with having an incompetent cervix and I will have to be on bed rest through most of the pregnancy. During the second trimester I will have a procedure done called a cerclage to make sure that my cervix stays closed for 40 weeks and that we have a healthy baby that comes home with us when we leave the hospital. The doctor as well as everyone else believes we will get pregnant again soon. We are praying that we get pregnant soon, but God's timing is perfect.

I da pappy......

"Whoa, I am going to be a father."

That was my first thought the morning that Ana told me she was pregnant. In 9 months I would be responsible for another human being.

"Does God really know what he is doing?" This was my next thought.

It is pretty crazy how you can want something so bad and when it finally happens fear and anxiety can sweep over you. For eight years Ana and I have prayed that this day would come, but the reality of what being a parent means really hit me and I was not sure if I had what it takes.

I mean could I raise a child that would love God? Could I raise a child that would show love and respect towards others?

I honestly did not know the answers to these questions. I remember sharing this struggle with a friend, telling him how because I grew up most of my life without a father around, that I really don't know what being a good father looks like.

This friend told me, "Sure you do. God has surrounded you with men who are fathers and God himself has shown you what the love of a father looks like."

Umm......Oh Yeah!

So, to my little bun I make this promise:

I may not be perfect or have it all figured out, but I promise to try to be the best father a child could ask for. I promise to allow God to guide me with wisdom every day of your life and to love you more and more everyday. And, my prayer is that along the way you would know how special you are to your daddy and grow up to love God and love others.

Let the fun begin!!!

Halfway there Already!

Today marks the halfway point! 20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go. When I think about how fast the first half has gone by I can't help but think how much we still have to do to get ready. I know it will all get done, I just think that I have this nesting thing going on and I'm ready to see my baby's room complete.


I've been thinking about all the stages that we have gone through. First we could not wait to hear Bun's heartbeat, then we could not wait to see our little Bun, then we could not wait to feel Bun move!  We've hit all these stages ALREADY! The next thing we can't wait for that is only days away is the BIG ultrasound where they measure everything from bones to organs making sure everything is growing properly. At this ultrasound we could find out what we are having, but we are going to wait on that one. We both are super excited about the big surprise at the end. After this ultrasound I think we will be looking forward to actually seeing Bun move across my belly. There is always something to look forward to!  So here are a couple of pictures we have taken this week

19 weeks 4 days. The bump is getting bigger!

20 weeks or 5 months.

Shawn finally felt "Bun" move

Thursday evening, January 26th,the next night after my last post,  Shawn finally felt the little kicks I have been feeling for a few weeks now. He had been trying to feel them for a couple weeks now, but they just were not strong enough. With each day though, our little Bun is getting bigger and stronger the kicks are definitely stronger and I love it! With every kick I am reminded that I am really pregnant and this is really happening to me, to us.

So as we lay on the couch I asked Shawn if he wanted to feel Bun move and of course he said yes. So I put his hand on my belly where I was feeling the kicks and sure enough our little Bun gave us a kick. I loved the look on Shawn's face feeling his baby's movements for the first time and then he asked was that it? Was that a kick? I assured him that that was indeed a kick. Bun was quite active and we felt him/her move for quite a while. We were both so excited to be able to feel him/her move because up until then all we could do is listen to the sweet little heartbeat. Which we do love to hear and still do listen to it about once a week, but movements seem so much more real for some reason.

Feeling "Bun" Move

Since we are not finding out the sex of the baby, I decided to start calling him/her “Bun.” I really do not like saying “it” and since there is a saying ‘you have a bun in the oven’ I decided that bun is the name until birth. I’m sure Bun will probably be a nickname for life though! 

It’s so exciting to feel Bun move! I began to feel Bum move for a little over a month now. I am 19 weeks today (Jan 26^th) and today marks 5 months till we are due. Exciting day! So anyway, when I first felt Bun move I was not sure that that is what I was feeling. I didn’t know if it was growing pains or gas, but I knew that I had never felt this feeling before. Now that it has been a month and Bun has grown and gotten stronger I know for a fact that that is what I am feeling. It’s so cool and amazing at the same time. One night Shawn had his hand on my belly for like 15 minutes trying to feel Bun move and he couldn’t. I can sometimes feel Bun move on the outside but I have to really be paying attention to when I feel kicking going on, on the inside and then I try to feel on the outside.

I can’t wait till Shawn can feel our little one move. I have honestly enjoyed every moment of pregnancy so far, but I always find myself saying Oh I can’t wait for this or that. So I started to really think about it and I can wait because in the end I want a very healthy baby and really time is flying by. I remember saying that I cannot wait till I can feel the baby move and now it’s here. So really, things are happening fast and before we know it our Bun will be in our arms! I am almost in tears thinking about that Joyous day! 

I thank God daily for our gift. I realize that our baby is truly a gift from God and that He did not have to give us this gift. I think about all the women that are still waiting and sometimes they never get to experience this. I am so grateful for our gift and for our story. I am so thankful that I was able to hold on to a promise that God gave us 8 years ago when He said, “ do not worry you will have your 
children.” I love that He said children because that is reassurance that we will have more than one and I truly believe that our waiting period is over. I believe that when we are ready to have our second one it will happen when it’s time, but I do not think it will be another 8 years, I think it will be a year or so later or at least that is what I am hoping for.

The Fifth Appointment

I decided not to write about our fourth appointment because there was nothing special that happened. It was just a normal appointment they did the usual and sent me home.

The fifth appointment was my favorite, so far. I ended up meeting Shawn there for this one. Once we were placed in a room I noticed that they had an old ultrasound machine and it was on. I told Shawn, “I wish she would use this machine so we could see our baby, but I’m sure she won’t. Then a resident in training came in and wanted to ask a few questions. She was so cute! She told us this was her first day and that Dr. Baur wanted her to ask us a few questions and then she could try to find the heartbeat. I wish I could remember her name, but since I can’t I’ll just name her Kara. So Kara goes and grabs my chart and asks a few questions and then checks to see if she can find the heartbeat. She was so nervous that she could not find it and I was okay with that.

Then Dr. Baur came in with the best greeting ever! She said, “Hi, my favorite patient” and gave me the biggest warmest hug ever.  She took the Doppler and found the heartbeat which was in the 150’s and then she said,” I put you in this room and left this machine on so that we could take a peek at the baby.” I looked at Shawn and as you can imagine my heart leaped I was so excited. All I could say was, “REALLY?!”  

So, She panned across my belly and we saw our little bun…looking like a baby this time.Of sourse I shed a tear as it is still so surreal. At 17 weeks along our bun was right on track! Dr. Baur showed us the heart, head, arms and hands and legs. We could not find the feet this time because Bun was hiding them, but I know they are there! We saw Bun opening and closing his or her mouth. It was so incredible to see! 

Dr. Baur said she wanted to see us in 3 weeks and at that point they would do an anatomy ultrasound to check EVERYTHING out. She told us that at that point we could find out what we are having, but we both said we want that to be a surprise. Dr. Baur is so excited about that because she too is pregnant and due in April and she said that she did not find out with her first baby and was not finding out with this one. She said, “I’m so glad I can talk to y’all about not finding out. It’s so much fun in the end to see what you have been carrying!” 

At this point I had been feeling Bun move for about 3 weeks. I can’t wait till Shawn can feel Bun move.

This was by far my favorite appointment.

12 weeks

16 weeks or 4 months

Third Appointment

This appointment Shawn did not go with me on because we figured they would not do anything special and I had just gone 10 days before. So I went into the office not expecting much. They took me back and did the usual: Urine sample, blood pressure, & weight. At this point I had not gained any weight at all, WOO HOO!

When Dr. Baur came into the room she said they would check for the heartbeat by Doppler but if they could not get it that way they would do an ultrasound. She said that at this point the uterus is still deep in the hips so sometimes it is really hard to get a heartbeat via Doppler. 

So, as Dr. Baur tried to get the heartbeat and was unsuccessful she led me into the ultrasound room where I was able to see the baby again. This time our little bun (bun in the oven) was moving all over the place.  She had a hard time getting the heartbeat because our little bun was so active. I was so wishing Shawn was there because it was so much fun seeing our little bun moving around. At a whopping 162 beats per minute our little bun was right on schedule. Dr Baur was so sweet, she printed off 2 pictures for me to take home so that Shawn could see. She said, “We don’t want dad to feel left out.”  

9 weeks

When I got in the car to leave I immediately called Shawn to tell him all about it. I wished to badly that he would have been there. After this appointment we decided that he needed to go with me to all the appointments because we just do not know what will happen at each one of them and I do not want him to miss out on anything.

Christmas 2011

This Christmas was our last Christmas being just the two of us. We tried to document everything with pictures that that we could compare to next year.  I think next year will be the best Christmas ever!  Just knowing that we will have a 6^th month old at Christmas next year excites me beyond measure. 

Shawn and I just finished up decorating

God’s timing is so perfect! I know that I prayed daily for us to be able to conceive for 8 years and had wished that it would happen sooner than later. I wanted to have 3 maybe 4 kids by now, but God didn’t. Honestly, I’m so glad He chose now. I would have never gone to Africa. I would have never had a vision for Umweo Bags and I would not have the faith or the relationship with the Lord that I have today. I have grown so much as a person, a wife and as a follower of Jesus and for that I am so grateful.

You know that the number 8 means new beginnings and this is our new beginning. In March we will celebrate 10 years of marriage and with that decade coming to an end we will celebrate this new decade with an addition to our family…a new beginning! We know our lives will drastically change, but I think we are up for the challenge.
 

So, back to Christmas. 

We each decided to set a budget and buy for Bun. I bought a few things and wrapped them up and Shawn did the same and then we opened each others gifts to Bun. It was something fun for us to do and we were both excited to do it. Next year will be so different because we will be able to buy gender specific toys and clothes. We also had gifts from friends family members that decided to give Bun gifts. That was really cool too because it showed us how excited that they are for us. I guess that is something that you never really expect and it kinda caught us off guard.

Christmas Eve 2011

So, we sat down and began to unwrap each gift. I went first and then Shawn went. We wanted to see each gift unwrapped and I loved watching Shawn’s face as he opened each gift. We are both so excited that we GET to do this…finally! So far Bun has racked up and still has quite a few months before making his/her appearance!

A baby Shower

We received our first invitation to a baby shower since finding out we were pregnant to Michaelynn and Terrance’s baby shower. Since trying to get pregnant I have had the hardest time going to these showers. The first one I went to since trying to conceive was about 6 years ago and about 10 out of the 12 or 14 women that were there were pregnant. It was a great shower and everyone was really nice, but I remember going home and crying for hours on Shawn’s shoulder. I wanted to badly to be one of those women that were pregnant. Just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.

While in the past I did not want to go to Babies “R” us to shop, this time I was glad to go there to shop. Shawn and I gladly went in with our heads high and had a LOT of fun picking out a gift.  Since they are not finding out the gender of their baby we ended up getting them a duck outfit and duck towels…cute!

I rode to the shower with a friend and her husband because Shawn had to work. It was a co’ed baby shower so men were invited too. It was fun being able to talk about being pregnant and just the fact that I was finally okay with baby showers. Once we arrived I realized I was the only other person pregnant there.  I had fun playing the games and talking baby stuff. They even wanted to take pictures of the 2 pregnant ladies. That was so cool to me. I mean this was the first time that I was in a “pregnant” picture! This completely made my day, even though my belly looked bigger than hers. See picture below.

I actually had fun for the first time at a baby shower! It was so nice to go home and not want to cry my eyes out wishing that I was pregnant because I am!!

Michaelynn 5 months. Me 3 months

Second Doctor's Appointment

We ended up going to our second appointment a little early because I had a little bleeding (no cramping) and it freaked me out a little, but I also had peace about it. I kept hearing through my thought process (which I know was God) that said you didn’t get pregnant to lose it. This is your baby and everything is going to be ok. So, I called the Doctor and they wanted me to come in so they could check me out to make sure all was well. I ended up having to see a different doctor because mine only works 2 days a week and they were able fit me in. At 8 weeks along the chances of miscarrying are pretty high so it was best that I go in.

Once they called me back the doctor did an exam and then said she would like to do an ultrasound to see how things looked. I had Shawn hold my hand and as she panned over our little baby (that looked like a peanut) I cried! After 8 long years of waiting I finally got to see our little peanut. I had had ultrasounds before to check other things out and wished every time that they would stumble upon a little baby, but that never happened, so now to see MY little baby was so incredible.  The doctor stayed in the room and explained everything that we were seeing and saw where the blood was coming from and reassured us that everything looked just fine. Then the doctor asked the tech to see if we could hear the heartbeat and sure enough we were able to hear a STRONG heartbeat. Our chances of miscarrying dropped significantly to 5 to 10%. Now it’s safe to tell people! SCORE!

8 weeks

Upon leaving this appointment we had our babys’ first pictures!  We also ended up switching doctors. We love Dr. Baur and love how she explained everything to us. She’s very confident and she is there all the time.  

8 Weeks pregnant

First Doctor's Appointment

On Oct 28^th we have our 1^st Doctors appt. I did not sleep well the night before because I was actually excited about this doctor’s visit because this time I was not going because of a problem, I was going because I’m finally PREGNANT! 

Shawn came and picked me up from home and off we went. The whole way there we kept saying how we could not believe we were going because we were pregnant. I don’t know if this surreal feeling will ever leave us. I LOVE IT!

So at the Dr’s office they gave us a PG test just to confirm that YES we are in fact pregnant. Then they gave us a goody bag full of prenatal vitamin samples and pamphlets to look through. We had a ton of info thrown at us. Next the doctor gave me an exam …everything looked good. The doctor told us I had to go and get blood work done to test me for a whole slew of things from STD’s to blood sugar levels. All in all it was an exciting visit just because of why we were there.

On the way home we couldn’t stop talking about it and the baby.  On that following Monday we went to get all the blood work done and it was so weird signing the wavier stating that it is ok for them to check me for AIDS. So weird!  But it’s what I had to do. After a urine sample and 8 or so vials of blood we were set to leave.

Before heading home we headed to Peppermill to have some Breakfast. I had a craving for pancakes that would just not go away. So we had our wonderful breakfast and then off to our first visit to Babies “R” us as expecting parents.  We ended up not buying anything at all. We just wanted to go in, check things out, and see how expensive this little one is going to cost us. It was a lot of fun and slightly stressful. We checked out the bedding to see if we could find anything we liked better, but we still like the Peter Rabbit bedding found at Pottery Barn Kids.

The waiting is over!!

After 8 years of patiently waiting on God’s promise, our little big promise has finally been fulfilled.

On October 24^th I woke up knowing I needed to take a test to see if I was pregnant, but was so worried that I would see another negative or “not pregnant” test result. The night before taking this test, I could not sleep, as I have never been able to knowing that I could possibly see a positive result, but also a negative which was always hard for me to see. 

So, I tossed and turned all night long and finally at 5am I could not sleep any longer. I got out of bed and took the test. As I sat and waited for the result (which felt like an eternity had passed) I prayed and prayed. I asked the Lord to please let it be positive and that I could not see another negative test result. 3 minutes later I read the word “pregnant.” I was SHOCKED! I immediately got up and ran out of the bathroom to Shawn and woke him up saying, “Honey, we are going to be parents!” His response as the bathroom light was beaming in his face and I was turning my lamp on was, “Really” I said, “yes, we are going to have a baby”. As I crawled back into bed I was shaking and crying because I could not believe it had finally happened to me. Shawn kept telling me that I needed to take another test, but I was all out of urine. After a few hours and a glass of water, I took another test, the result….”Pregnant.”

As we laid in bed thinking about the fact that in roughly 9 months we would have a child of our own to take care of, we realized that everything from that moment forward was going to be different. We decided that we would tell our parents and siblings and very close friends, but then wait till after we saw the Doctor to see when we could share our news with the world. So as soon as the Doctors office was open I was on the phone making our 1^st appointment. The whole day was very surreal.  We kept saying to each other through out the whole day, “Holy cow, we are going to be parents!” 

We also had an Umweo Bags get together/ Thank you party for all the people that donate their time and energy into Umweo Bags. I wanted to tell everyone so bad, but knew I had to keep it a secret for at least a few more days. Keeping this a secret I knew was going to be hard, but not that hard! Every person I saw I wanted to tell them so bad, but I didn’t… I waited just as Shawn and I had discussed.

This day was truly amazing and I felt God’s presence with us throughout the whole day. I have waited my whole life to be able to say that I am pregnant and now I can truly say…I AM PREGNANT!  Baby’s due date: June 26^th 2012.